Silence and strange dreams

Haven't spoken to my ex since he asked me not to. I need to move on. It's been too long with no progress. However I sent him a text this morning asking him to send me these books I have him that my friend could use to cope with his own bipolar relationship. I don't know if he will send them to me. I doubt it.

On an unrelated note, about a month ago, I guy I had every class with in high school passed away. We weren't particularly friends back then but we knew each other and spoke from time to time. I didn't go to his memorial service, and I feel I should have. Anyhow, last night I dreamt of him. For some reason it had the feeling of a recurring dream. It was like we were dating but he didn't speak the whole dream. Then it was as if I suddenly remembered he was deceased. I reached out for his arm and started rubbing it to see if it was real. It was then that I "woke up" and saw I was rubbing the arm if a different high school acquaintance who was close with the deceased. We were in a large swimming pool oddly. I hadn't seen nor heard from either of these guys in at least 7 years. I tried to explain to him what had happened when it started to rain and he left. Then I actually woke up.

Since his death, I have been trying to figure out what caused it. The only thing I can find was that he collapsed suddenly on the street then died at the hospital an hour or so later.

I don't usually read too much into my dreams but this is one that I feel must have some meaning...

Another breakup?

I'm not sure what happened today. I texted my ex. I just wanted to tell him how my interview went. We had a pleasant conversation but then it seems like he suddenly thought I was trying to get back together. I wasn't. I wouldn't push something like that. So he said he would call me later.

Later: he sent me a text saying "we both love with our parents." Well, I know that. It's pretty obvious. Then he said, "you can't drink, I would like a girl who can drink a little." Um, that's offensive. I can't control the fact I have an allergy to alcohol. It's one thing I'm very insecure about. I know the fact that I don't drink makes it so I don't get invited out at night with my coworkers. It's a big reason I don't have friends at work because they all socialize at the bars. I hate going out because half the time I'm stuck explaining why I'm drinking water and the other half I'm alone because nobody wants to talk to the weird girl drinking water at the bar. I was so hurt by his statement. I would never blame ending a relationship on something out of his control (um, hello? He is bipolar for Pete's sake! Not a reason to run!) let alone something so shallow.

I let him know it was rude and shallow of him to say that to me. His response? "I wasn't done. Good luck with the job. Never talk to me again." What?

I'm beyond confused. And severely hurt. I was just trying to be friends with someone who means the world to me and I just get insulted. I know he's bipolar but dear lord that's not an excuse to be mean.

I hate this.

Common ground

I don't talk to really anyone about my relationship with my now ex, except one guy at work who is gay and in a relationship currently. A week ago we had a long talk about his relationship issues and that is when I opened up to him and told him about my bipolar boyfriend. It made him realize the fight he had just had with his boyfriend was so minuscule that he needed to apologize immediately.

Yesterday his boyfriend came out as bipolar. He has now come to me after learning this to get my advice and help. One of his best friends told him to run as fast as he could away from this relationship. Obviously I have a different take. So now I'm someone who he looks to with his relationship, and really nothing makes me feel better. I'm so happy I opened up to him because it was perfect timing. Obviously the universe meant for me to tell him last week so that he had someone understanding and experienced to talk to. I honestly rarely talk to anyone at work so it isn't common for me to make friends with my coworkers. This was meant to happen.

Everything is something to learn from.

Post break up

We haven't spoken which is normal for the first week or two after our breakups. I have been strangely calm since we parted though. Today I got in a good work out and a great run (it's 72° here today, I must say southern winters are much better than being frozen for 4 months), and I've just been oddly happy today.

I guess when we break up, I get to relax. I don't have to worry every hour or so how he is feeling. I am allowed to focus on my needs without feeling selfish. I'm not saying I don't love being with him, I'm only saying it is a lot of work. I do love him and will always in some capacity, but he might just not be able to handle that right now. Maybe he will next week or 8 years from now. I don't know but right now, this may just be the best thing for both of us.

Here's to obtaining happiness in whatever situation you find yourself in.

The 72nd break up

The night before last I finally heard from my boyfriend. He was on his way to Missouri for a business trip with his boss and decided to text me and break up with me yet again. I fought it a little bit trying to tell him it's his disorder talking but he had none of it. I surrendered because I know in his current state, me fighting for us will only do more harm then good. He says this is the last time, that we both need to move on, but of course he has said that every time. I don't know if this will last or if we will get back together next week. There is no way of telling. I need to live like it is the final time though just in case. And if it isn't, I'll just be more prepared next time.

I know it's crazy to stay with someone who is constantly pushing you away, I know that. It's so hard to make the right decision when you don't know the end. I love him with everything in me and I will always love him to some extent. If we never get back together, I will remember the joy he brought me, the happiness though fleeting. I will never bad mouth him for I know he's a wonderful person.

I'll keep this blog going for a while just to see what happens with him, otherwise it will change from "My boyfriend is bipolar" to something more accurately descriptive of my life.

Though I have only posted a few times prior to our split, I feel letting everything out has helped. I may start seeing a therapist to help further in the future but for now, blogging has worked wonders.

It has been a week...

...since we last spoke, with the exception of two texts he sent at midnight on Saturday in which he attempted to break up with me (again). I told him no, that it was his bipolar talking, and to take as long as he needs to get out of his current low.

In the past when he would disappear from me, I would freak out. It would be three days of me sending him messages in anger of not hearing from him before he would show up and we would break up.Usually he would come back about two weeks later telling me he loves me and we would get back together.

It is obvious that me panicking in this situation did not help AT ALL. This time I am taking a different approach. I can feel when he is about to enter into depression, he has a different energy about him. I was able to prepare myself for it this time which put me into a more understanding state of mind. I send him at least one text each day quickly expressing my support or my love for him and maybe something funny that happened to me. I call him once a day just as a check in, even though I know he won't be picking up. I feel as long as I make my presence known, he will know that I have no intention of leaving.

We spent New Year's Eve at the house of one of his friends in a small get together. The entire night he was very distant emotionally. Had we not already made plans to spend that holiday together, I know his withdrawal from would have started that day instead of the following. Alas, we spent the evening together and he kissed me at midnight. We ended the night with another kiss when I dropped him off at his house (he was drinking, I'm a permanent designated driver due to my alcohol allergy). I knew I was not going to hear from him for a couple days at least due to his obvious emotional distress. Knowing this ahead of time was very beneficial for my own emotions.

This entire relationship has been a complete learning experience. Everything has been trial-and-error. I don't know if it will pay off in the end, I don't know if we will be together in the long run. That doesn't matter to me. Being with my boyfriend has taught me I can only live in the moment. There is no telling when he will get low again so I savor every precious moment we have together while he is balanced. Neither of us wants children and I have never seen myself as a married women so living without thinking about where our relationship will be in 5 years makes everything a little less stressful. I love him. I know he loves me. That is all that matters. Today.

Finding an outlet.

Hello. To start out my first ever blog, I should probably explain what is going on.

I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for 2 and a half years. The on and off part is due to the disorder. He has been professionally diagnosed as bipolar and has fought clinical depression multiple times, one resulting in an attempted suicide about a year and a half ago.

Growing up, my father was an undiagnosed bipolar. In my opinion, there are a few different versions of bipolar. Unfortunately my father was a more violent and explosive bipolar. My boyfriend, however, has never been violent nor has he ever said a harsh word to me. Having been exposed to this disease from such a young age has helped me in dealing with my relationship.

The reason I decided to start this blog was to maybe find others in this same position and create a community within ourselves. I have stopped telling my best friends about my relationship because there is no way they can understand what I am going through. Honestly, I know they think I'm insane for sticking around and if I were on the outside, I would probably think the same. So here I am, searching for an outlet to express my feelings without judgement.

This blog will likely be as bipolar as my relationship.